The Dungeon: Cellblock A
Peter's plan to create a Top 100 List has come to fruition. However, there are several other bits
of advice he'd follow if he ever became an Evil Overlord...
- I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
- I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone,
and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
- I will make it clear that I do know
the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
- My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will
they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
- I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make
sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
- If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod,
and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
- Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build
me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
- Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up
his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
- I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander
shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the
real thing ever comes along.
- I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before
the trap is sprung.
- I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me, or being executed.
- I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively
- I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors
definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
- I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
- I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
- If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty
and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
- No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
- If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone
could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
- I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up
accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
- Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons
will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
- If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it
- The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
- If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove
their hooded cloaks, and shave their beards before entering.
- Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring,
and make sure that he has neither a beautiful, but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him
back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
- Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up,
sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent"
death, but will instead (finding a vantage point, or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my
- Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously
launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
- Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks
to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other
source will result in execution.
- I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed,
or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
- Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
- All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier
unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
- I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
- Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security
- If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her
executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will
pay attention at the orientation meeting.
- If I am escaping in a large truck, and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait
for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard.
Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can
prove quite useful.)
- My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone
inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will
include a back-up device known as a battery.)
- If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated, and make every wire red.
- Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of
architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
- The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky
atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
- If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I
will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not
send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
- I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber
pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot
is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he
decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either
way, there's no point in entering.
- As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for
position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
- If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all
times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her
beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue
to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as
much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
- If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her
choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably
be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will
attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
- I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at
the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each
other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the
sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
- My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While
they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of
vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
- If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent
ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be
immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
- I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted,
trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category
will be awarded posthumously.
- Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to
stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy
of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly
- Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to
open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at
the top of the ceiling.
- I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and
strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are
not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the
- I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is
reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
- I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to
accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every
- My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer.
Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I
will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender
- I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search
techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and
someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first
ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing
off in hot pursuit.
- If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any
circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
- If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait
until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more
conventional means are available.
- Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll
post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to
occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
- I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans
and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when
he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's
- If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except
for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate;
I'll run like hell.
- Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential
recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests,
and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract
- I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life
in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or
ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
- If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not
put it on public display.
- When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my
forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently
located near the rebel camp.
- I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant,
but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to
capture the hero.
- As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several
hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak
confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards
can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
- If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what
they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and
- If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems,
and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of
the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an
obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl,
I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
- I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if
they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to
be tied up while I decide his fate.
- If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as
many precautions as a small business and include things such as
virus-scans and firewalls.
- I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that
terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one
particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
- I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other
location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by
rapelling down from above.
- I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule.
That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement,
punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish
out his shift.
- Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the
hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for
which he blames the hero.
- If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his
hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I
will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to
the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
- I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts
in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to
provide valuable information once placated.
- I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone
from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to
figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
- If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses
to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer
to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
- If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and
he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You
don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I
will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still
keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me,
and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
- I will not outsource core functions.
- If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into
me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
- I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales.
Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint
will be set on fire.
- I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my
castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held
down the road in the festival pavilion.
- Before using any device which transfers energy directly into
my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
- I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a
case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent
(if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone
- If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and
fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and
confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
- I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of
tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists
of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
- I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The
good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the
- I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal
projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to
any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
- I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but
you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool."
Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the
- If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my
Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him
to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a
- I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not
only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it
also causes trouble with the EEOC.
- If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently
inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more
- If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am
holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the
hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with
his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she
has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this
point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic
- I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret
passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to
- I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going
to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point
in taking them.
- I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my
fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to
- I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged
weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword
at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
- I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be
revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember
that no one needs to know.
- I will not make alliances with those more powerful than
myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of
glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself.
I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
- During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be
permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar.
Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics
Due to the ever prevalent problem of prison overcrowding,
we have been forced to open another cell block, Cellblock B.
Those who helped create the Top 100 List have kept their positions
of honor even if their entries wound up here. However, others have offered their aid, albeit late, and so still
deserve some reward. If I ever become an Evil Overlord, the following people will be granted luxury suites in my
dungeon and receive a diet of fresh-baked bread and imported mineral water.
- Daniel Abraham <Daniel.Abraham@ov.com>
- Ken Arromdee <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Marc Asher <email@example.com>
- Donald Ayre >firstname.lastname@example.org<
- James Barbetti <email@example.com>
- Robert Barbetti <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Bruce Barnes <email@example.com>
- Chris Beard <Chris.Beard@chirondiag.com>
- R.M. Bernstein <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Ellen Theresa Bjorge
- Dan Black <email@example.com>
- Grahame Bowland <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Wes Bridges <email@example.com>
- Chris Campbell <Sankarah@ix.netcom.com>
- Melanie Chameleon <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Kimberly Chapman
- Patrick Chester <email@example.com>
- Garrett Choi <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Gail Dahlstrom
- Aguido Horatio Davis
- James Denam <email@example.com>
- Kirsten Edwards <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Douglas Elder <email@example.com>
- Karen Feigenbaum
- Jay Fife <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Natalie Forrest
- Sam Gonhue
- Stephen Griffith <email@example.com>
- Wallace Hale <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Bill Herdle <WBHerdle@compuserve.com>
- Ben Hsu <email@example.com>
- Rick Jones <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Myranda Kalis
- Harry Kenney <email@example.com>
- Kevin Krom <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Bruce Ladewig <email@example.com>
- Jo Laing & Dave Palmer
- Gregory Lam <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Linda Lassman
- Meg Levin <email@example.com>
- Tim M. <Tim@alia1.demon.co.uk>
- Frank Marler <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Mark McDermott <email@example.com>
- Walter Means
- Norman Meluch <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Bryce Merriman <email@example.com>
- Kim Moser <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Kevin Andrew Murphy
- Fred Musante <email@example.com>
- Steve Nelle <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Tony J. Podrasky <email@example.com>
- Joel Polowin <JoelP@agiss.com>
- Michael Powers
- Hugh Ridler <HRIDLER@stats.gov.nf.ca>
- Timothy Ruppell <TRuppell@instantlink.com>
- Karen T Sharp
- Robert Shaw <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Carrie Shutrick <email@example.com>
- Mike Stanczyk <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Kal Socolof
- Erik Tavares <ETavares@novations.com>
- Beth and Richard Treitel <email@example.com>
- John & Linda VanSickle
- Skip Wall <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Eric Wardwell-Gaw <email@example.com>
- Steve Wellcome <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Matthew Wilcox
- Eric Wilner <email@example.com>
- Robert J. Woodhead <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- James A. Wolf <email@example.com>
- Lydia Wooster <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- John Woznack <email@example.com>
- Robin Yenney <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Dominic Yong <email@example.com>
- Sean Young <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- HPrill <HPrill@AOL.COM>
- James <email@example.com>
- Judy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Lizard <email@example.com>
- Maie <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Melchar <email@example.com>
- Vladico <firstname.lastname@example.org>
This Dungeon List
is Copyright 1996-1998 by Peter Anspach.
If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way,
and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
dungeon_a.php -- Revised: January 27, 2021.